Shortly after doing my first video blog post in werewolf form, I came up with a guide to the GOP primary field, expressed in terms of the Buffy villains they most resemble.
Fred Thompson
The Judge
His backers got all excited and made a big effort to assemble him. When they finally put him together, he turned out to be a lethargic mess and didn't accomplish very much.
Mitt Romney
The Mayor
They're both clever and generically slick politicians, programmed to
appeal to middle America. I can't watch Mitt without thinking of the
Demon Mayor of Sunnydale, and that's what inspired this whole list.
John McCain
The Master
The oldest vampire. Got killed early, but there's some talk about how he might rise again.
Ron Paul
Moloch the Corruptor
He's been around a long time, but he only recently absorbed himself into the internet, where he now has a bunch of overexcited followers who spend too much time online.
Duncan Hunter 
Adam
Property of the military-industrial complex.
Tom Tancredo
Lyle Gorch
Giles: "They, uh, they made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886... but the good news is that they're not amongst the great thinkers of our times. I doubt if they're up to much.
Rudy Giuliani
Angelus
A genuine threat to destroy the world, with a string of broken hearts behind him.
Mike Huckabee
Caleb
Southern preacher-man. Bad on women's rights. Came on really strong at the end.
Tommy Thompson
The Anointed One
Dude, there's no way you're going to win. You're completely incompetent, and you don't belong here. Go home.
Wow -- Mitt as the mayor. It's brilliant. I'm not sure the mayor was quite as creeepy.
Posted by: Sir Charles | January 02, 2008 at 07:27 AM
Thompson as The Judge. Considering that he's running on his reputation playing one on "Law and Order", that's like triple funny.
Posted by: Amanda Marcotte | January 02, 2008 at 08:21 AM
Too bad Buffy didn't have any good zombies ... I reckon Freddie's got the zombie vote locked up.
Posted by: BruceMcF | January 02, 2008 at 08:24 AM
Giuliani looks more like on of the Gentlemen from "Hush."
Posted by: Misplaced Patriot | January 02, 2008 at 09:42 AM
Heh. Cute. Just one quibble though: You've generally matched leading candidates with big bads of the season, lesser candidates with lesser villains; how does Hunter rate as Adam?
Duncan's Tector Gorch, the lesser sibling of your Lyle, Tancredo.
Posted by: R Johnston | January 02, 2008 at 09:44 AM
Heh. Cute. Just one quibble though: You've generally matched leading candidates with big bads of the season, lesser candidates with lesser villains; how does Hunter rate as Adam?
Duncan's Tector Gorch, the lesser sibling of your Lyle, Tancredo.
Posted by: R Johnston | January 02, 2008 at 09:45 AM
I would put Ron Paul more towards the Ethan Rayne role.
Going to do this for the Dems?
I can totally see Hillary as Glory or Professor Walsh or Halfrek.
I could see Obama as Mr. Trick.
Edwards would have to be Principle Snyder. He talks a good game. He's creepy. He has visions of glory but is mostly impotent.
Posted by: Draven | January 02, 2008 at 10:29 AM
I agree with the casting by role, but for sheer cuteness, there's no way Huckabee comes CLOSE to Nathan Fillion. Not even when he's forced into Caleb's bad haircut. Huckabee will never be as f***able as Captain Tightpants, and I suspect that's part of what eats at him....
Posted by: LadyCrow | January 02, 2008 at 10:32 AM
HAHAHAHAHA! These are wonderful--well-done, Neil.
BTW, did you ever see the side-by-side photos of Rudy and Nosferatu?
Posted by: litbrit | January 02, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Ron Paul as Moloch is sadly true. Though Giuliani as Angelus I can't totally get, but that's probably cause I liked Angelus.
Posted by: Zoe Winters | January 02, 2008 at 11:05 AM
It's a good list.
Mayor Wilkens is much better than Mitt though at giving the false impression of honesty and not getting caught mid-lie.
--
Furry cows moo and decompress.
Posted by: Wyrd | January 02, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Brilliant, Neil.
Posted by: Stephen | January 02, 2008 at 12:08 PM
I'm even a Republican, and this list is GREAT.
Posted by: Dave | January 02, 2008 at 12:18 PM
Bravo. Seriously.
Posted by: MB | January 02, 2008 at 01:07 PM
Great list, but I can't agree with Rudy and Angel. He would be a good match for one of the gentlemen from "Hush" as mentioned already, but I would categorize him more toward Glory; he also has the divine Deity complex, and acts like everyone should be bowing down to him all the time.
And Barak Obama would make a good Cordelia Chase; puts on a good front, acting like he is all that, but empty and nothing original to offer.
Posted by: jeff | January 02, 2008 at 01:42 PM
This is great, but I'd make a suggestion: Rudy's more like Warren: clever, but only to a point, and gets himself killed easily once faced with a real enemy and without the rest of his triumvirate to serve as human shields. Always expects other people to do the dirty work and after not too much time in the game, sets himself up for failure by making the wrong person mad.
Posted by: Julie Waters | January 02, 2008 at 01:53 PM
To those saying they don't like the comparison of Rudy to Angelus, I've got to say that the comparison is inspired. In particular, while the other Republican candidates are evil, Rudy truly delights in and lives for evil. He's evil not because he wants power, or wealth, or to impose god's will; he's evil because it's spectacularly fun for him to be evil. The thought of evil makes Rudy giggle like a schoolgirl.
Rudy is Angelus.
Posted by: R Johnston | January 02, 2008 at 02:21 PM
You've made whedonesque:
http://whedonesque.com/comments/15086
Posted by: Melanie | January 02, 2008 at 03:22 PM
Thanks to everyone who commented and linked! I'm happily surprised by the response this has gotten.
Rudy was the one who was causing me the most trouble, and I might've switched to the Gentlemen if I'd thought more about it. I do like R Johnston's point about Rudy's sadism though. If there's one guy up there who could survive the touch of the Judge, it'd be Giuliani.
Posted by: Neil the Ethical Werewolf | January 02, 2008 at 04:04 PM
I love the Fred Thompson comparison.
I loathe the fact that, in the comments both here and at Whedonesque, Obama only gets likened to black Buffy villains. This seems like a real failure of imagination.
What's even worse, is that I have to compare him to yet another black villain: Jasmine, presiding over a new era of bipartisan good feeling and rapprochement.
Posted by: Tom | January 02, 2008 at 05:58 PM
"only" above should be "mostly." Thanks, jeff, for comparing Obama to a white person. Too bad your comparison is empty and unfunny.
Posted by: Tom | January 02, 2008 at 06:02 PM
-Thanks to everyone who commented and linked! I'm happily surprised by the response this has gotten.
Right, like Buffy isn't the sacred darling of all internet-dwellers.
Posted by: Glenn Fayard | January 02, 2008 at 06:44 PM
Well, as Buffy said about Andrew, so it can be said about Obama and why people are worried about his dabbling too closely with the dark side's talking points:
"He's not evil but when he gets close to it, he picks up its flavor, like a mushroom or something."
Posted by: R Johnston | January 02, 2008 at 06:50 PM
Barack Obama => Willow Rosenberg
Member of a disadvantaged minority. Far more sensible-sounding than anyone else in the group. Flirts with the dark side.
John Edwards => Xander Harris
Good-looking enough to make the girls swoon. Common man's touch. White male, therefore relegated to supporting role.
Joe Biden => Rupert Giles
Old guy you go to for advice. Had his day but it was long ago.
Dennis Kucinich => Anya
Good to have on your side; has trouble saying things that make sense to humans.
Joe Lieberman => Faith
Will probably endorse Romney.
Hillary Clinton => Buffy Summers
Her choice of gentleman companions leaves something to be desired. Struggles with her demons. Portrayed by a not terribly likeable actress. But you know that when the chips are down she will kick serious ass.
Posted by: eyelessgame | January 02, 2008 at 07:34 PM
That was both brilliantly frightening and frighteningly brilliant. Guiliani as Angel(us) really works for me - we thought he had a soul for a short period, but he got too happy with 9/11 and lost it...
Posted by: caraway_ | January 02, 2008 at 08:26 PM
What, No Alan Keyes? Tom Thompson was actually pretty qualified but has no chance.
Does buffy not have a token black guy? Even the Republican party has Keyes (who is running FYI) and Colin Powel (whose wife won't let him, I'm serious that's the reason he gave)
Posted by: James | January 02, 2008 at 08:52 PM
Oh and R. Johnston, Lieberman endorses John McCain. He said he was hurt no democrat asked for his endorsement, but McCain did and he likes McCain as a more centrist candidate rather then far right.
Posted by: James | January 02, 2008 at 08:56 PM
awesome.
Posted by: faith | January 02, 2008 at 08:58 PM
Hmm, I think John McCain is Spike. Stole the show years ago with devil-may-care charisma, now spends his time in the GOP basement drinking blood out of milk jugs.
On that note, Ron Paul would make a pretty good Drusilla.
Posted by: brandon | January 02, 2008 at 09:20 PM
Great list, but Rudy should have been Glory, complete with drag photo.
Posted by: Kylenne | January 03, 2008 at 01:38 AM
Change Rudy from Angelus to Principle Skinner (he even looks like him, the weasle). Add Hillary as Prof. Walsh (good call!); the add Edwards as Riley Finn and Obama as Principle Wood. Tack on Kucinich as Zander and you're about done!
Posted by: Stan Denski | January 03, 2008 at 11:15 AM
Fantastic list that brought a big smile to my face.
Posted by: KG | January 03, 2008 at 11:28 AM
Can't wait to see the Dem list to see which villainess is Hilary...
Genius work. My hat is off.
Posted by: tleewaor | January 03, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Guiliani as Glory is particularly inspired. The "Sex on the City" scandal would then be the moment when everyone started to realize that "Ben is Glory." Though he may look like the gentlemen, he unfortunately is not as quiet as they were.
I'm sticking to my contention over at Pandagon that Hillary Clinton is a member of the Watcher's Council--generally well meaning, but stuck in her establishment ways.
I still haven't found alter egos for the other Democrats that really satisfy me, though.
Posted by: rufustfyrfly | January 03, 2008 at 05:29 PM
Okay, I've got it--
Obama is fifth-season Angel. He has a long history of fighting against evil, but also a disturbing tendency to ignore or stab his friends in the back. He's getting caught up in the system, and no one is really sure if he's actually becoming co-opted or has a plan to overcome it.
Posted by: rufustfyrfly | January 03, 2008 at 05:36 PM
Tom apparently objects to my comparing Obama to a white character; I was looking at behavior and character traits rather than color, which I guess some will not be able to get past in this election. My comparison was not meant to be funny, either, as I see Obama as having no real depth, and only relying on the keyword "CHANGE" and a single inspirational speech. Like Cordelia Chase, a one-trick pony, with nothing to really offer outside of playing off the ideas of those around her (or him).
I stand by the comparison.
Posted by: jeff | January 04, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Buffy did have a toke black guy
in the villain department they had Mr. Trick who first worked for Kaksitos and then was hired by the Mayor
also that Black preacher guy who wanted to bring back the Master in the S2 premier 'When She Was Bad'
in S4 there was Forrest, a memeber of the Initiative and a friend of then Boy toy of Buffy, Riley Finn
/ yep I'm one of those Buffy geeks
great and very funny post btw :)
Posted by: Moonbootica | January 04, 2008 at 12:44 PM
Buffy did have a token black guy villian
And don't forget Sweet from "Once More with Feeling."
Posted by: Miriam | January 04, 2008 at 04:27 PM
This is truly great.
The problem with the Rudy-Angelus analogy is that Angelus had the potential to be Angel (and have a soul). Unlikely that Rudy shares that potential.
Posted by: freewheel | January 04, 2008 at 05:21 PM
I have proof that Ron Paul is Moloch.
The town I live in is super-super liberal. Last election we had the *largest* (not kidding) caucus for Kuchinich and now the people you see at the weekly protest and who I saw at the caucus last year have RON PAUL BUMPER STICKERS!
See...the Corrupter. Can we bind him in something, because before I knew he had Moloch's powers I just could not for the life of me understand what the hell was going on.
And yes, freewheel, I wholeheartedly agree as a former NYC resident that Guiliani has no soul nor will he ever.
Posted by: Lost Clown | January 04, 2008 at 11:32 PM
People who once caucused for Kucinich are now supporting Ron Paul? Somehow, I always suspected that a lot of Kucinich backers weren't the deepest thinkers, despite what they like to believe.
Great list, BTW. Wouldn't change a thing. T. Thompson as the Anointed One is perfect, and I'm from Wisconsin, so I know.
Posted by: CarbonDate | January 05, 2008 at 05:35 PM
I just hope who ever gets the Republican nod turns out to be a fear demon - squashed easily.
Posted by: Holly | January 06, 2008 at 12:44 AM
Love this, but Giuliani as Angelus? To paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen, "Mayor, Angelus was a friend of mine, and you sir, are no Angelus." Rudy as Principal Snyder, now we're talking.
Posted by: Elaine | January 08, 2008 at 11:40 AM
What about the Democratic candidates? Hillary as Maggie Walsh, Obama as Mr. Trick... maybe John Edwards as Mr. Parker Abrams?
Posted by: Dave | January 08, 2008 at 10:56 PM
Totally agree with Edwards as Riley! Handsome and upright, but flawed. I see Hillary as Joyce -- kind of controlling and manipulative though well-intentioned. Giles is John Kerry, of course: proper and noble, but Ripper's still there, too! Haven't figured Obama out yet...the race is a coincidence, believe it or not, but he COULD be Principal Wood.
Posted by: Kate | January 10, 2008 at 12:53 AM
Love the list, but I agree with Elaine. Rudy as Principal Snyder would be inspired!
Posted by: Megan | January 10, 2008 at 06:16 PM
Principal Wood...Struggled growing up with an absent parent, moves back and forth between two worlds, looks too young for the job, is fighting the good fight despite tension with some of the other "good" guys, at times his well-intentioned actions may play into the hands of the enemy, does his own thing without consulting established authorities... I hate that all the Obama comparisons seem to be based on race, but I can see this one.
Posted by: CLF | January 11, 2008 at 01:04 PM
Whether we designate Edwards as Riley depends entirely on how much we want to insult him.
Posted by: Serena | January 13, 2008 at 02:02 AM
Another vote for Giuliani to be matched up with Principle Snyder. Lookswise it's almost TOO perfect, but the details bear it out--they're both socially awkward control freaks who abuse their offices, supposedly for your own good.
Also that Huntner and Tancredo should both be Gorches.
Otherwise this is awesome.
Oh, and while I'm here just echoing other comments, whoever said the Mayor was less creepy than Romney wasn't, I don't think, being hyperbolic. He was honestly a more sympathetic character than the real guy.
Posted by: borehole | January 13, 2008 at 09:29 AM
jeff wrote: "Tom apparently objects to my comparing Obama to a white character."
Actually, if you read Tom's two comments again, he was saying the exact opposite, criticizing others for a failure of imagination in *only* comparing Obama to black characters. He thanked you for being the exception to the rule, although he didn't like your comparison for other reasons.
And yeah, Principal Snyder is definitely the best matchup for 9u11iani so far...
Posted by: Jesse M. | January 14, 2008 at 03:11 PM