Cogitamus: His last effing State of the Union Address

January 29, 2008

His last effing State of the Union Address

One lone man, armed only with a bottle of mid-budget 2006 tempranillo, alas, two-thirds empty by the time the speech began, sat to watch, for the blessedly final time, the man some call the Chimperor (I prefer the punchier and more cogent "asshole"), give his final state of the union address.

First good moment for me -- "American families need to balance their budgets, so should the government." Where to begin -- first of all, in the fief of Sir Charles this mythical balanced budget has rarely been achieved. I suspect that most Americans carry some degree of debt, not in and of itself a bad thing. But more amusingly, Chimpy acts like he has nothing to do with all of that red ink. The guy who obtained all of those credit cards for the family, is shocked, shocked I tell you, that there is debt afoot.

And more treasure -- the "epidemic of junk medical lawsuits" -- WTF?!!

Touts the free trade agreement with Peru -- will the pandering never end?

Samuel Bodman is the Secretary of Energy -- who knew?

He said nook-yular.

(More tempranillo -- ah, yes, don't mind if I do -- when I'm drinking alone, I prefer to be by myself.)

No embryonic stem cells were harmed in the making of this speech. (Scary standing ovation by the Republicans.)

The armies of compassion are marching on the Gulf Coast -- haven't these people suffered enough?

And now entitlement spending -- calls to come up with a solution to the crisis in these programs -- how about if we start by sending your sorry ass back to brush clearing?

We are engaged in the defining ideological struggle of our age and are spreading the hope of freedom -- freedom: now with a side of torture. And a little unlawful surveillance. And no habeas corpus. Because respect for the rule of law is what separates us from the wog. Can't you tell?

SURGE! SURGE! It's working. (Bottle has just been drained.) Big ovation from the Rethugs -- waiting for USA chants. (Honey, where's the Oxycontin?)

And I just give up -- what a torpid, dispiriting affair. Even Bush doesn't seem to believe his own bullshit. He is totally phoning it in and there's not a memorable line to be had. (And I don't want to switch to white -- wine miscegenation is wrong and would totally send the wrong message at this point.)

Thank God this man will soon disappear into richly deserved oblivion. But, oh, the damage he has done -- and the embarrassment one feels -- after eight years of this moron representing us to the world.

Posted by Sir Charles at 12:15 AM | Permalink

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Hahahahaha! *sob*

At least you had the nice wine. By the time I realized I really needed to be drinking, Spurious George was halfway through delivering the football-field sized pile of cow manure, bitching about the people who "snuck" (*cringe*) into the nation and how we were bravely combating them with this fantabulous wall (built by a defense contractor after winning a no-bid contract, and let's not even get started on the failures already apparent in said wall and the lawsuits surrounding it that will surely add to the government's expenditures in a big way, but hey, who's counting at this fucking point).

Oh, Sir Charles, we all feel your pain. Even the smart ones who skipped watching this train wreck altogether and especially the ones who lay passed out on the floor because their particular version of the SOTU drinking game called for doing shots of Cuervo Gold every time someone in the room shouted "LIAR! You goddamned LIAR!"

We all feel your pain.

Roll on, January '09! (See, I'm saving my liver for that celebration.)

Posted by: litbrit | January 29, 2008 at 06:05 AM

They actually did flash the face of Stephen Hadley on the screen, though. You can bet that cameraman is on his way to a black site as we speak.

Posted by: litbrit | January 29, 2008 at 06:06 AM